What Is Learned Helplessness? (And Why It Might Be Showing Up in Your Life)
Ever found yourself saying things like:
“What’s the point?”
“It never works out for me.”
“I tried once, and nothing changed.”
👀 Sis. Bro. Bestie. That might not just be stress talking.
It could be learned helplessness—and it’s sneakier (and louder) than you think.
🤔 So... What Is Learned Helplessness Anyway?
Learned helplessness is when you’ve been through so many situations where trying didn’t work, that now you don’t bother trying at all.
Psychologists Seligman and Maier coined it back in the 1960s (yes, we’re bringing in the receipts 📚). After repeated failure or pain, even when escape or change is possible… people stop believing it is.
In real life? It sounds like:
“Why apply? I won’t get the job anyway.”
“It’s just going to fall apart like last time.”
“I’m not built for success like other people.”
💥 It’s not laziness. It’s not weakness. It’s survival-mode learned on repeat.
👶🏽➡️🧑🏾🦱 How It Starts (Spoiler: It Can Begin Young)
This doesn’t magically show up in adulthood. Nope. It starts early—like, early early.
Think:
Being shut down when you ask “why”
Getting in trouble for expressing emotion
Watching the adults around you do everything for you, or worse, blame you for things outside your control
And if you grew up Black, neurodivergent, or in a system that didn’t value your voice, the messaging hit harder:
“Stay in your place.”
“Don’t talk back.”
“You can’t afford to fail.”
Little kids who learn their effort doesn’t change the outcome? They grow into adults who stop trying—at love, at goals, at advocating for themselves.
😬 Intentional vs. Unintentional: It’s Not Always Malicious
Let’s be clear—this conditioning doesn’t always come from “bad” people.
Learned helplessness can come from:
✏️ Teachers who labeled you “lazy” instead of curious
🏠 Family members who “meant well” but always took over
👫🏾 Partners who gaslighted you or made you second-guess yourself
📄 Jobs where you were micromanaged into silence
Sometimes it’s accidental. Sometimes it’s manipulative. Sometimes it’s just generational survival being passed down like a hand-me-down coat—too heavy, too tight, and never actually yours.
🧬 Let’s Talk Black Community & Historical Context
Now this one needs its own mic drop. 🎤
In Black communities, learned helplessness isn’t just a personal issue—it’s collective. We’ve lived through:
Slavery, colonization, and segregation
Systemic economic suppression (hello, redlining 🏘️)
Under-resourced schools and biased healthcare
So when your grandmama said, “Just keep your head down and don’t cause trouble,” she wasn’t being fearful—she was being protective.
But here’s the twist:
What kept us safe then can keep us stuck now.
That fear of rocking the boat? It’s legit. But we’re allowed to want more now. We’re allowed to thrive—not just survive.
⚠️ How It Shows Up Now (AKA: That Sneaky Internal Narrator)
You might be dealing with learned helplessness if:
You freeze when faced with decisions 🧊
You avoid setting goals because “what’s the point?”
You default to others to make choices for you
You downplay your wins but take all the blame when things go wrong
😩 It’s exhausting, but it’s not who you really are. It’s who you had to be to get by. Big difference.
🧠 Okay But... Can I Unlearn It? (Yes. And Here’s How.)
YES, boo. This is where therapy shows up with her edges laid and receipts ready. 💁🏽♀️
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) says: Your thoughts affect your feelings → which affect your behaviors.
If the thought is:
“No matter what I do, nothing changes.”
The behavior becomes:
“So I won’t do anything.”
🛠️ Let’s disrupt that:
What’s the actual evidence for this belief?
Could this be true some of the time, not all the time?
If your bestie said this, would you agree with them?
Narrative Therapy joins the chat like:
“You are not the problem. The problem is the problem.”
✨ Translation? That pattern isn’t your personality. It’s a story you’ve been handed. And sis, you can rewrite it.
Start with:
“Where in my life have I made something happen?”
“What does that say about my strength?”
“What’s one tiny belief I could shift this week?”
✨ Closing Truth: It’s Not Your Fault—But It Is Your Healing
Learned helplessness is real. But so is your ability to rise up and rewrite your story. And not in a “grind harder” kind of way—in a “rest, reclaim, and remember who TF you are” kind of way.
You’re not broken. You’re not lazy. You’re just worn down from trying and not being seen.
But guess what?
This time, it’s different—because you’re showing up with knowledge, tools, and the power to choose again.
🔜 What’s Next?
In Blog 2, we’re talking about what learned helplessness is costing you—in your relationships, in your wallet 💰, in how you see yourself. And yes, we’re dragging those toxic thought patterns with love.
Stay tuned, and bring snacks. We’re healing out loud over here. 🎤🔥